Full Buck Moon in Capricorn

Today the full moon was at 4:38 in the afternoon. It’s been several months since I’ve made time to do a full moon ritual. With all the changes I’ve been trying to enact in my life, especially in the front of making more time for myself, I remembered how centering full moon rituals have been in the past for me.

About this Full Moon

What the Buck?

According to The Old Farmer’s Almanac, this full moon is called the buck moon, as its timing coincides with full antler growth across the cervidae family. With a little research, I found that antler growth is heavily influenced by seasonal changes and rainfall, which enable them to consume enough forage to sustain their protein needs. Coincidentally, due to the uptick in thunderstorms in most places throughout this time of the year (aka hurricane season), this is also referred to as the full thunder moon.

As a gardener, I’ve been drawn to the practical, grounded-in-nature definitions of the moon cycles as provided by The Old Farmer’s Almanac. They are observational, correlate to naturally occurring events, and teach one about the cycles of the world around them.

Astronomical Occurrences

This full moon also coincides with a partial lunar eclipse, also referred to as a half-blood moon, for the majority of the eastern hemisphere.

Mercury, Saturn, Jupiter, Chiron (a planetoid orbiting Saturn and Jupiter), Neptune, and Pluto are all retrograde. Retrograde is when these planets and planetoids appear to be moving backwards in orbit when viewed relatively from planet Earth. The celestial bodies do not actually change direction.

Comparative Mythology & Alchemical Associations

This information is sourced from a post made by @awitchalone on Instagram. When asked, she told me the source of her moon correspondences come from various sources through her own research, but most importantly, the book Moon Magick by the late D.J. Conway, who passed in February of this year.

D.J. Conway was an author who wrote non-fiction compendiums on topics ranging from magic, Wicca, Druidism, shamanism, metaphysics, and the occult, as well as a few fantasy novels. In Moon Magick, she pulls from a wide variety of mythological sources to compile a list of cultural and alchemical symbols that correspond to each full moon.

  • Herbs: honeysuckle, agrimony, lemon balm, hyssop
  • Colors: silver, blue-grey
  • Flowers: lotus, water lily, jasmine
  • Scents: orris, frankincense
  • Crystals: pearl, moonstone, white agate
  • Trees: oak, acacia, ash
  • Animals: crab, turtle, dolphin, whale
  • Birds: starling, ibis, swallow
  • Nature spirits: hobgoblins, faeries of harvested crops
  • Deities: Khepera, Athene, Juno, Hel, Holda, Certidwen, Nephthys, Venus
  • Power flow: relaxed, preparing, succeeding, dream-work, divination, meditation for (spiritual) goals and plans

My Full Moon Ritual

Theme for this Cycle: Unfolding

One word kept coming into mind as I was thinking about where I am at currently in my life, what I am doing, and what I am trying to manifest. That word was “unfolding,” usually associated in my mind with a lotus flower blooming from the mud.

Within the past couple of months, I’ve begun work into dismantling my psyche, work ethic, life views, and belief systems through a mixture of therapy, selected readings, and this blog. This deep-dive into the self is something I have lightly pondered throughout my years, but haven’t yet (until recently) worked on putting into words or fully opening up and evaluating. I am hoping that this unfolding of my self will allow for a better understanding of my emotional cycles, triggers, and how I can overcome some of my more toxic behaviors.

Cleansing: A Sensory Stim Bath

One of the parts of Pagan full moon rituals involves bathing to cleanse the body before beginning the ritual.

Honestly, this is the part of the full moon ritual that I often half-ass. I’ll opt for a face wash, dry shampoo, and a little dab of essential oil. But since I am trying to make more time to do nice things for myself I thought a full sensory bath was in order.

My bathtub was in desperate need of a cleaning, so I cleaned it. By itself alone, the act of cleaning out my bath helped my mental health because I don’t have to think about how disgusting and unclean I am every time I go to the restroom or take a shower. I could see how doing this monthly would have long term benefits.

Once the tub was clean, I gathered up all of my dusty ass crystals and placed them around the tub. First, I lit a candle and rinsed each of my non-metal stones under the faucet to get rid of the dust. Then, I filled the tub, adding some rosemary and tea tree oil epsom salts which smelled really nice and was good for my muscle soreness from working out in the morning. I burned some palo santo to add some more nice smells to the sensory experience.

I soaked in the tub for a good 2o minutes, at least, did some breathing exercises, and meditated on what I wanted to release and manifest in the upcoming month.

Stimming (or sensory experiences) are beneficial to calm and center neurodivergent people. As someone with ADHD and anxiety, I’ve always loved a relaxing bath, but this was the first time I had made a focus on making it a full sensory experience. It left me feeling calm, clean, soft, and refreshed.

Visualizing: Manifesting and Releasing

Calm and centered after my bath, I wrote on three pieces of paper my opening mantra, a list of actions and emotions I wanted to manifest, and a list of limiting beliefs and toxic behaviors I wanted to release.

I moved all my crystals out to my altar space, bringing with them a few candles, nag champa incense, sage bundle, a palo santo stick, a totem stick my father carved, a jar of moon water, and my tarot deck. I also readied a tall vase with water that I could drop my papers into as they burned.

I opened my private ritual by ringing my altar space with salt, anointing myself with amber oil, doing a sage cleansing of the area and myself, burning some incense and palo santo, and lighting some candles while reciting my mantra to open the circle. I read aloud the manifesting and releasing papers I had prepared, burned them each over a candle individually, and dropped them into the water to keep my fingers from burning.

Divination: A Tarot Reading

Reading Date: 07/16/19

I asked the cards to guide my focus for the upcoming moon cycle. I am usually this vague when I do readings so I can keep my interpretations open and find out what is truly on my mind.

Notes from the Reading

Then: Four of Cups

Key Meanings: hesitation, despondency, dissatisfaction, restlessness, meditation, contemplation, apathy, re-evaluation

Generally, you may be low on energy and motivation, and withdraw into a kind of restless apathy and depression. Bored or dissatisfied with the status quo, there is little that excites you any more. Like the person depicted in the Four of Cups card, you need to re-evaluate your situation and look deep within your psyche to find understanding or meaning. Seek your inner Truth and listen to your heart and mind to gain clarity.

You may feel doubt or even cynicism when offered love or a work opportunity. Again, meditate on it, consider what opportunities you are ignoring or declining, and whether you are closing yourself off because of fear.

Don’t take life for granted. If you are in an established relationship, rekindle the romance. This card suggests that you may be taking relationships for granted, and while there is a lot of love present in your life, you will lose it if you do not continue to nurture it and demonstrate your appreciation for everything you have gained so far. Look at the cup being offered and take note of the abundance present in your life.

Spiritually, this card suggests that you’re engaging in negative outlooks and wallowing in self-pity, forgetting all the positive things you have in life. Each night remind yourself what you are grateful for.

Now: King of Spears

Key Meanings: honor, freedom, openness, inspiration, natural-born leader, vision, entrepreneur

This king is engaging, charismatic, and passionate about what he does. He might be in a business start-up, communication, the arts, or travel industry; whatever his position he holds high standards and follows his passions. This card suggests that you are a goal-oriented visionary, who doesn’t waste time on relationships or activities that lead nowhere.

Lead your life with intent, vision, and long-term view. Though you may be experiencing challenges right now, know that this is part of your journey to something more positive.

This card suggests that you may be inclined to take up a greater leadership role in the future, which will allow for greater success. Applied to a situation, a lightbulb moment offers a way to creative and financial freedom.

Additionally, it leans heavily towards an entrepreneur who reaches success by taking risks and being creative and visionary. This king is often an artist and encourages you to follow your passions.

“Follow your bliss. Find where it is, and don’t be afraid to follow it… Doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn’t be a door for anyone else.”

Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

The King of Spears is a fit, athletic, and attractive older male with red hair and blue eyes, who radiates confidence and positive energy. He is solutions-oriented, highly creative, and a true leader. This card suggests that you have a partner who wants to be your mentor, guide, and teacher in life. He knows he has a lot to share with you and would very much like to be there by your side.

If struggling in a relationship, you’re encouraged to be the “adult” and remain focused on your goals. Keep a constructive mindset and set some goals for each of you to work on. May also signify that there would be benefit in seeing a psychologist or marriage counsellor.

Moving Forward: Queen of Swords

Key Meanings: single-mindedness, strength, intelligence, insight, quick thinker, organized, perceptive, independent

The queen — smart, charismatic, and wise — is an ally up to a point, but she ultimately puts herself first. A quick thinker and highly perceptive, she calls for direct, honest, and unbiased communication, cutting through noise to the truth.

Applied to a situation, she advises you to trust your intelligence and insights. Use fact and logic, thinking with your head and not your heart to make your decisions.

The card often comes up in readings to show strength of character, and it can stand for single parents and single women. This queen is highly independent and has learned to handle her own and take care of herself. Romantic notions about love have been cast aside for a more logical and rational approach.

Your partner may see you as someone who seeks independence while still remaining in a committed relationship. Since the Queen of Swords tends to not be overly affectionate, you might want to explore different ways to express your love for your partner more actively. Although, if you are having issues in your relationship, look at the overall situation from an impartial unbiased perspective and try to leave your emotions out of it.

Feelings and Connections

“Take note of the abundance present in your life.” was almost word-for-word one of my points on my manifestations list.

The whole depression and self-pity aspects of the Four of Cups is very reminiscent of the depressive episode I just had a few weeks ago. In my wallowing, I even said something to the effect of, “I just feel like I never get excited about anything any more.”

Furthermore, I feel like the more introspective aspects point to the general “unfolding” work I have been doing, as of late. I started working through some exercises from the book Designing Your Life, which involve me really evaluating my views on life, work, and purpose and getting real introspective.

Honestly, I can’t decide whether the King of Spears is indicative of myself or my partner. I’m an entrepreneur and artist, but my partner, a red-head, recently started in a leadership role and has done a lot to motivate me and encourage me to take a more positive outlook on life.

Additionally, I’ve had a few conversations lately with friends and started planning out my resources available, because I am getting to a point with my freelance web and design work where I need to start subcontracting out. I feel like this aligns with the King of Spears encouragement to take risks and pursue a greater leadership role.

The last line of the King of Spears seems relevant because I started seeing a therapist a little over a month ago and after my most recent visit she sent me some trust exercises to work through with my partner. Before I went out of town last weekend, I emailed him some information I got from her on reflective listening, holding space, and the trust exercise.

This Queen of Swords I feel like points most towards getting to the source of my own truth and speaking clearly and effectively on my needs. I have a tendency to get tangled up in the emotional minutiae, which tends to get in the way of me truly expressing myself to my partner, my family, my friends…

Ruminating on Death Pt. I

I learned of another death of a person that was connected to my life in various threads throughout. I met her as a younger child through my mom’s after school program. She was always super talkative and sarcastically funny for a 1st or 2nd grader. Then, she spent a brief amount of time in my apartment when I was living some sort of club kid fantasy over 10 years ago. My roommate at the time invited her and a couple of other friends to stay at my place. Our lives had always run just adjacent, a close friend of a handful of my younger sister’s friends.

It’s weird these tenuously fleeting connections you have with people throughout your life. My beliefs dictate that there is no afterlife. That “you” return to the flow of consciousness energy to be redistributed into the next series lives, but in more of a law of conservation of energy sense rather than the idea that your individual “self” carries on. Your body decays to feed and your ashes fertilize the earth, or maybe some even dust mites on a mantle, if that’s where you wind up (hey, dust mites need nourishment, too).

A person lives on through the pearls of wisdom they scatter throughout their lives and the experiences of their being that left small imprints on those they knew. These lessons and memories are passed onto future generations through parentage, mentorship, and friendship and we all live eternal from the impressions we left. Humans are vessels for data points, distributing and receiving.

Reflection

When someone passes, I am drawn, as are most, to reflect on the points in which our threads crossed. Flipping through little snapshots or story board frames in my mind. Cue waking up to her and my roommate standing in my doorway playing dubstep and making it rain singles on my bed, the way they decided to pay his rent. Cue very hazy memories of some ridiculous face mask-to-steamroller-to-water pipe contraption she and the other people living in my apartment built.

Death has been a pretty prevalent theme this year.

I lost my cat earlier this year. Cue him sitting in the food bowl when I first picked him up as a kitten. Cue coming in with dirt on his face after playing with his tom cat friend outside. Cue that time he laid barrel-mode on my back. Cue him standing up for treats, as trained my partner. Cue the overlap of him being a kitten, being held by the girl who just passed just outside the kitchen in my old apartment.

I lost another childhood friend earlier this year. Cue the first time I was asked to dance (mostly out of sympathy because we were good friends in 6th grade). Cue getting in big trouble with a group of friends over a MadLibs book. Cue so many science classes, almost in tears, laughing at his goofy antics. Cue computer club meetings and early LAN party shenanigans.

My mom put down one of our childhood cats last month. Cue him sitting like a big fat pear on the top of an open door. Cue my dad sitting with him on his lap giving him heavy pats, squeezing his little head, and jokingly threatening him the way dads do. Cue his bare little belly that he licked too much.

I don’t understand the why certain connections adhere to our consciousness more than others, but I know they are there. These significant crossovers in the individual threads of life that leave a little imprint that will be associated with that person in your consciousness until the end of your own.

I’ve noticed it happening in other people’s lives, as well. And it’s not just deaths of people and pets, but deaths of relationships. Maybe it’s all just part of getting older, but it seems to be increasing in frequency. So many deaths have been overdose or suicide related. Like an unspoken plague on a generation.

Each death is a reminder.

Every time we encounter death we are reminded of our own mortality. The times we probably should have died, but didn’t. The paths we didn’t take that got us to where we are now, as opposed to where we could have ended up. Not only the impressions they left on us, but whether we could have made more of an impression to somehow prevent this. How short life really can be and how we need to try to make the most of every moment and interaction we have.

What memories and wisdom am I leaving behind? Hopefully, more than an anonymous blog, a stash of angry draft emails never sent, a treasure trove of half-baked articles and thoughts on my Google Drive, and a wealth of random pieces of artwork, sketches, and unfinished illustration series.

It’s a good incentive to keep on living, continue creating, and keep trying to make positive impressions on those around me. A good reminder for when I am feeling at my worst.

For some sage wisdom, I’ll leave you with my mum’s hippie af senior yearbook quote, which she’s recited to me and my sister throughout our lives. It just popped up in my memory, writing about the impressions we leave in the interconnected fabric of consciousness.

“My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue, an everlasting vision of the ever-changing view.”

— Carole King, Tapestry

Fitter, happier, more productive?

For the past couple of weeks, by recommendations from my therapist and through encouragement from my partner, I have been going down to the apartment gym and working out three days a week. I’ve been making sure I get my 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill and then a bit of lifting (depending on how much I feel like I’m going to hurl after the cardio).

I’ve started into my third week. I’ve improved from where I’ve started. Parts of my body are toning. My partner is always there with supporting words and encouragement about how well I am doing. Keeping up with it. Making a habit out of it.

Meanwhile, the shadowy bitch that lives in the back of my brain keeps reciting the lyrics to Fitter Happier at me.

Fitter, happier, more productive
Comfortable (not drinking too much)
Regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
At ease
Eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
A patient, better driver
A safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
Sleeping well (no bad dreams)
No paranoia
Careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
Keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
Will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
Favours for favours
Fond but not in love
Charity standing orders
On Sundays ring road supermarket
(No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
Car wash (also on Sundays)
No longer afraid of the dark
Or midday shadows
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
Nothing so childish
At a better pace
Slower and more calculated
No chance of escape
Now self-employed
Concerned (but powerless)
An empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
Will not cry in public
Less chance of illness
Tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)
A good memory
Still cries at a good film
Still kisses with saliva
No longer empty and frantic
Like a cat
Tied to a stick
That’s driven into
Frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)
Calm
Fitter, healthier and more productive
A pig
In a cage
On antibiotics

by Radiohead

When does it hit?

I find myself wondering more and more, when it is going to hit. I have read so many articles about exercise really helping with depression. I’ve experienced it myself. My partner has reported it helping tremendously with his depressive episodes.

But here’s the start of another one of mine. I’m getting therapy. I’m doing the exercise. I’m taking the St. John’s Wort. I’m taking the time for myself. But here here it is again.

The more weight I lose, the more loose disgusting skin I see. The more toned I get, the less feminine I feel. The better I look in clothes, the more vulnerable and scared I feel in public. When so much of my identity is tied to being a big (and usually intimidating) girl, it’s so hard to feel like I am being true to myself as anything else.

Can someone please shut her the fuck up?

Like I know, logically, rationally, that people slip. People with mental illness fucking slip and you have to forgive yourself, try to learn what you can, and let go. And I know you can’t get it right the first time. But I feel like I have been trying really hard and it still happened again within a month…

There is always this skeptic in the back of my mind telling me there is nothing I can do about any of this. It is part of who I am. It is who I am. Who laughs at the effort I put in. Who recites the lines of Fitter Happier in my head when I am going to work out. Who pokes my ribs and tells me I will never be good enough. That I am lying to everyone.

She’s a bully (as pointed out by my therapist) and the only way I’ve ever known how to deal with bullies is to ignore them. But ignoring her isn’t working, and neither is rationalizing. My therapist recommended arguing with her, but I still hadn’t made the time to get a full list together of arguments prepared before she came back.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself, but it is so hard. Especially when these episodes also tend to coincide with lashing out at loved ones and affecting their mood. I don’t know why I try to bring people down here with me. I hate feeling like I am toxic.

Acknowledging the Storm

When talking with an old friend today, she told me a piece of wisdom she had learned to help with her own mental health:

Think of that stuff like a storm. Acknowledge that it’s raining and thundering and know that it will pass.

And instead of trying to stop the rain (you can’t!), just get an umbrella or stay inside.

I acknowledge that this is temporary. I want it to happen less, but I know I’ll be through this bog soon. I am doing what I can and I am trying my best, too. I need to release my self-critical nature, or at least try to do better at not projecting it onto other people when it does get bad.

All I can do is keep trying.

New Moon in Gemini

Bipolar disorder is weird. Most of the time, I feel pretty ok with how my life is going. I’ve spent years training myself to be a lot better with recognizing and righting my negative thinking cycles.

But sometimes, my “sadself” tears her way through to the forefront of my mind and won’t shut the fuck up. The past week leading up to last night’s new moon have been nothing but that.

Who invited her?

She was there with all the old classics:

  • “No one ever wanted you.”
  • “You are a burden on everyone around you.”
  • “You are an abusive, narcissistic bitch.”
  • “You are a lazy, fat slob.”
  • “When’s the last time you ever really felt understood by anyone?”
  • “Attack everyone because you feel insecure.”
  • “Who would want to be around someone as obnoxious as you?”
  • “Your partner is just waiting for the right opportunity to leave because your mental state is terrifying.”
  • “You just think you are working hard and succeeding, but really you’re just sitting around watching YouTube and being a useless, and smelly, sack of shit.”
  • “Your partner secretly hates you.”
  • “Correction: everyone secretly hates you, including your own parents.”
  • “You’d be doing everyone a favor if you just died.”

She’s intense. I don’t know where she comes from or who the fuck invited her, but damned if she doesn’t take over the steering wheel of my life every few months.

This time around she almost destroyed my relationship. I’m still having a hard time trying to trust the reality of the situation. To really trust anything. The bad parts of the past week keep playing through my head on repeat. I feel trapped by the inevitability of the rearing of her ugly head again. I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it.

However, I have made an appointment to speak to a therapist in a week. That decision was strongly motivated by the resurgence of suicidal ideation.

I am surrounded by loving friends and open ears, but I feel alone. What a cliche.

Tarot Readings

The Phoenix Preistex

In light of all this turbulence, I decided to get a new moon reading from an old friend of mine. We exchanged light pleasantries via text (the usual early 30s “I’m busy” “Oh, same”) and then they jumped right into the reading.

Notes from the Reading

Reading Date: 06/02/19

Then: Seven of Swords Reversed

Dishonesty and theft in the past. Unscrupulous behavior in past business contracts/dealings made you feel like giving up rather than taking a stand. In moving forward, work to understand and anticipate next moves. Understand how the game is being played so you are not blindsided in the future.

Don’t allow yourself to give up prematurely. Don’t allow yourself to feel lost and like you can’t continue. Find the courage and initiative within to keep moving forward even though it seems like everything is working against you.

Now: The Tower Reversed

You might have been taking responsibility for something that was not your responsibility to take on. You also may be holding onto some kind of idea, career, relationship that is not able to stand the test of time, so by holding onto it you are allowing your past to repeat itself in your future.

The tower in reverse signifies a sudden destruction without warning or without our knowing. It does not mean that it is the end. It does not mean you can’t keep going. Every person falls; the rich, the poor, at some point everyone experiences it.

Moving Forward: Five of Swords

There might be some conflict or dispute. Potentially within family, potentially within your career, maybe just being a victim of the system. Not everything is lost. Even though there is a lot of tension, conflict, or battle within relationships with others, it’s ok. It is supposed to happen. It is clearing space out.

When the fighting is done, it’s important to not provoke or continue to antagonize the energy. Let the battle be done and walk away with what you have.

Don’t get caught up in what you’re losing. Remember what it is that you are fighting for. Remember what it is that you truly desire and what you’re truly trying to manifest.

Overall

Really, this is all a mental battle. When you allow your brain to stop playing everything over and over and over again, or you play it through, watch it, and then take it out of the VCR, it’s going to feel a lot better for your brain.

Also, it could just be that so many internalized energies are starting to manifest themselves externally. Stuff that you might have thought you had moved on from, but you didn’t really deal with because you didn’t really access or tap into the source of the issue, may be bubbling up again. You may have built surrounding friendships, relationships, situations on that trauma, on that idea that that was who you were and that was your identity. With that identity now being destroyed, things can start looking different. It can start to look a little more complicated than you thought.

Main message: you are not losing everything. You are losing major things and you might be losing major things in the situation you are asking about. That does not mean that you lost, it’s over, and that there is nothing else for you.

Feelings and Connections

I don’t think tarot cards are magic. I feel like they are a deck of varied, common themes throughout the human experience. The real meaning lies in the connections your mind makes to the randomly-drawn cards, revealing your largest areas of concern and need for reassurance in your decision-making. I apply a similar outlook to most divination systems.

This reading was among the few times that I have felt like my mind was being read. We only exchanged a few lines of small talk over a text messenger so there was no way for them to read my mood or state.

Particularly, the bit about the recording playing over and over again was almost word-for-word what I said when recounting my insecurities to my partner.

Per the Five of Swords, so much of our arguments felt like I was the one looping back and antagonizing the situation due to my inability to let go. My inability to take the tape out.

The part about it being a mental battle also hit close to home, due to my ultimate decision to contact a therapist to help sort through some of these emotions. I felt like whatever methods I have been using to keep my “sadself” identity at bay are not working as effectively because they aren’t dealing with the source of that trauma, which was also reflected in the reading.

Self-Reading

I’ve felt a bizarre shift yesterday (the day of the new moon) and today.

I won a contest yesterday (which I still am not allowing myself to believe) while I was preparing for an interview.

That same interview was postponed because there was a mix-up in the materials I was sent, which ended up being a good thing, as I was more anxious than expected due to a missing conference call link.

I went out for dinner and drinks with some old co-workers and friends.

My mom put one of our old cats down, but it’s been so long since I lived at home and with my own cat passing earlier this year, I felt weirdly detached from it.

It was just a roller coaster of weird feelings after a week of really deep melancholia.

Honestly, everything feels back to normal today, but the aftershock of the past week still reverberates in my mind. I don’t feel like I can trust it, but I also feel like dwelling in it isn’t going to do me any good either.

Anyways, I decided to do a reading myself so I could just have a check-in with my mental state.

Notes from the Reading

Reading Date: 06/04/19

AKA: The part where I pick out the parts from two different guidebooks that stood out to me in my current situation.

Then: Page of Cups

Key meanings: news, fun, opportunities, a messenger, creative beginnings, synchronicity

A sensitive imaginative, young person; they may also be a psychic. Encourages you to take a fresh perspective on a difficult issue and to approach that situation with benefit of doubt, love, and compassion. Listen to your intuition and believe your dreams. Indicates the beginning of a spiritual journey.

Very positive sign that you will soon receive a job offer out of the blue that will be very favorable. As this card refers to younger people, it often represents jobs in teaching or social work. You will be more drawn to creative work and may want to explore your artistic or even intuitive or psychic abilities in your day-to-day work. It doesn’t necessarily mean a full career change.

In an established relationship, your partner shows tokens of his appreciation for you. This is a time when you can both renew the romance in the relationship by returning to the early days of your connection. Surprise your partner with loving acts of kindness. You could both try to set aside your differences for a while and live life in the moment.

Now: The Empress

Key meanings: The matriarch, fertility, femininity, creativity, authority, abundance, peace, beauty, nature

Shows a deep connection to our femininity and represents a mother, wife, female partner, or influential female. Femininity translates in many ways — beauty, sensuality, fertility, creative expression, nurturing — and is necessary for creating balance in both men and women.

Calls on you to connect with your feminine energy: draw on all of your senses to experience pleasure and deep fulfillment, spend time with your partner, discover new ways to creatively express yourself, spend time in nature and connect with Mother Earth.

Combined with the Page of Cups, signifies a potential pregnancy on the horizon for self, family, or loved ones. Metaphorically, this can also be the birth of a new idea, product, or new way of being.

Potential career paths include gardener, artist, therapist and teacher, among others. The Empress brings financial abundance. Your financial situation is likely to be positive and may well be a result of you giving to those around you and then receiving in return.

Home life is harmonious. Connections in relationships mature and you will reach a new space where you are incredibly comfortable with each other. New ideas, abundance, and blessings suggest that you and your partner may begin to dream of how you can continue to create your future together.

If a relationship is experiencing trouble, the Empress acts as a reminder to communicate more openly and honestly with each other. You need to come from a place of love and compassion when you share with each other and discuss your feelings. This is a time to let go of defensive barriers and truly open up to each other.

“I bring forth my creations with joy. I love and nurture them into fruition.”

Moving Forward: Five of Swords

Key meanings: Conflict, loss, defeat, exposure, win at all costs, tension, betrayal

If you are in a relationship, this card reflects that there has been a recent falling out of you are currently experience a high level of conflict and tension with your partner. To move past this difficult time of conflict, you need to be able to forgive and accept each other. You may have said many hurtful things to each other that you now regret, and this has significantly damaged the relationship and caused tension and distrust between you.

You will need to understand where each other is coming from, forgive each other, and then move on. You need to put your tail between your legs and apologize for what you have said and done. You must accept responsibility for your actions and you must be very humble when it comes to giving an apology. Even if you think you were right in some circumstances, you must show your partner that you were not right in what you did and you regret what happened.

You may be better off laying down your sword and treating loved ones with compassion and understanding. Reflect on what you get out of this “us vs them” mentality and what truth about yourself this situation may imply. Perhaps you have a deep, hidden need to question your own position. Or maybe you are projecting some trait you dislike about yourself onto another person. Or is it just that your ego is defending itself at the expense of your happiness. In any case, try to think of this person as a teacher rather than an enemy.

Feelings and Connections

The mention of some sort of teacher position in the Then and Now card is relevant, but I am not going to get into more detail than that.

I feel like the young, creative psychic refers to the Phoenix Priestex, whose reading left me encouraged to let go of my repetitive toxic behaviors and to not antagonize the energy, by practicing compassion and forgiveness.

With the Page of Cups, I’ve been having a difficult time trusting my partner’s acts of kindness and accepting that his tokens of affection aren’t a trick, even though he’s been making considerable effort to make me feel more comfortable, loved, and appreciated. The Empress card also supports letting go of these defensive barriers and accepting this harmonious moment in your home life.

The source of some arguments revolved around the topic of feminism, so the encouragement to tune into the more feminine, nurturing parts of myself stood out. My partner has been trying to encourage me to take walks out in nature (connect with Mother Earth) because it helps a lot with his mental health and notices that it improves mine, too.

Odd that I pulled the Five of Swords for my Moving Forward card, since that was the same thing I got in the earlier mentioned reading. And again, there’s another message of forgiveness, acceptance, and apology. At least this time, you are really accepting responsibility and doing something about getting better control over the part of you that continues repeating these patterns.

“Let the battle be done and walk away with what you have.”

Mantra to Interconnected Energy

When I first started doing full moon circles with my friend, who initially sparked my journey into Pagan practices, wheels started turning on defining and structuring my own belief system. While she would pray to goddess and her husband would pray to science, I didn’t feel like either was right for the loose understanding I had of my own faith.

Growing up in a household without religion, prayer was never something I was taught. We didn’t go to church. God was always more of a “maybe” concept. Living in the South, my classmates’ bullying about my lack of faith left me with a general aversion to any kind of religion, especially Christianity, and I was a staunch atheist throughout high school and onward. I’m sure I will delve into all that at a later date.

My lack of religion did, however, motivate me to learn about various religious practices from a philosophical and metaphysical perspective. Rarely did I apply them to my own life, but my curiosity and hunger for knowledge was insatiable.

I knew that I believed that the human experience is intrinsically connected, that most religions tell the same story, and that we live on through the memories and hearts of the peoples’ lives we touched, but that was about where my soul-searching ended.

Making A Mantra of my Own

While, initially, I didn’t understand the “power of prayer” or even the purpose of it, when I thought about my own beliefs a certain phrase had always resonated and encapsulated those beliefs.

Once upon a time, when my sister and I were younger, baked out of our gourds, laying on the bedroom floor, she came to a revelation that has stuck with me ever since: “Everything has something beside it.”

Everything has something beside it.

Meaning that every object in existence has another object beside it no matter what direction you go. Every cell of our being vibrates against another cell. Our planet resides next to a wide variety of cosmic bodies. Each moment in time is preceded and followed by another.

My Mantra to Interconnected Energy

That phrase, mentioned above, became the beginning of the mantra I wrote to open my rituals, which I have included below.

Everything has something beside it.

Cardinally. Chronologically.

Within you. Beyond you.

Atomically. Astronomically.

Through time’s constant persistence,

bear witness to an interconnected existence

as the universe experiences itself.

— written by me, inspired by my sister

Since this is the mantra I use to open my rituals, I thought it would be the perfect opener for this blog of shadows.